self-sabotage
I'm far from perfect. Sometimes I act in ways I immediately regret afterwards, especially towards the people I love most. I find myself self-sabotaging my relationship more often than I'd prefer to. I always believed my relationship was perfect; what more could I ask for? Yet I find ways to make myself angry. My brain nitpicks small moments and interprets them as signs that my partner doesn't care about me enough. Then it irritates me and I can't shake off the feeling. I know these thoughts are irrational and bred from insecurity because at the end of the day, I know they care about me, a lot. I keep these thoughts to myself because it's not worth accusing them of something irrational and something I know isn't true. However, because I'm not good at hiding my feelings, I burst into uncontrollable tears and my partner is concerned and confused because I'm crying for seemingly no reason. I think it's worse for your significant other for me to be visibly distraught and refuse to tell them why compared to me just telling the truth.
I would start acting cold and distant and it would solve nothing. As if turning away would give them the ability to read my mind and figure out what's bothering me. I would wish they'd figure out what they did that bothered me without me saying it myself because deep down I know my thinking is irrational.
I feel like a completely different person when I let my insecurity and jealousy take over my thinking. I feel like it's not really me, because I know I'm better than that... but it IS me. How we act in relationships is our true selves. Sometimes relationships bring out the worst in us because when you become so close to and intimate with another person, your emotions and feelings intensify. It's made me realize that my self-esteem is lower than I want it to be. It happens when you feel like you're not good enough for your partner. You then start to act according to that belief and you deny yourself happiness. Most of the time you don't even realize that you're doing this to yourself.
Sometimes you might feel insecure and wonder if your significant other really loves you. "Who would love someone like me?", you think. Self-sabotaging your relationship means denying them of making the choice to love you and to be with you. They're with you for a reason. Let them make their own choices.